The Pandora’s Box of Black Girls’ Emotions and Aesthetics
Escaping suffering in the digital age
“I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days I wanted to romanticize the decay around me in an attempt to temporarily mask the scent of mental decline. But, I don’t have the skin, nor the voice, nor the body, to achieve the goal of deceiving people that I’m not, not ill, but that I look aesthetically pleasing while being so. I find it unnerving that even the expression of my mental instability is dissected by the assumption of my racial inferiority. That it’s not good enough that racism has its grasp on my existence in the material world, but it must also reach beyond what is physical, into my subconscious, and subjugate me there as well. Whiteness is the antithesis to my “grossness” because a white person’s decay will forever be masked with the scent of afforded grace that they will get better, that this is not their inherent state of being, and that even if it takes them a while, at least they can be branded as sexy in the meantime.
Like truly what the fuck is a ‘feral girl aesthetic.’
My Blackness is perceived as innately disgusting and my mental decay intrinsic to my being. There’s no room for grace, and there’s no exemption for attractiveness because I’m discerned as fulfilling my predestined role, and I’m fulfilling it well.”
I wrote the above excerpt a year ago about, not only, my anguish regarding how my mental health was degraded because of racial and gendered stereotypes, but confessingly my annoyance that I wasn’t even granted the opportunity to aestheticize and romanticize it- to convince myself that mental declination felt good, even for a brief moment to escape the reality of misery- like my white counterparts could.
Mental illness in women has and continues to be discussed in sweeping generalizations. The re-edition of this phenomenon embeds itself in trends catered to a universal “girlhood.” These microtrends champion embracing our “imperfect selves,” yet ironically only through falsified and romanticized depictions of suffering: sad girl (an oldie but goodie), feral girl, dirty girl, female rage, etc. Other trends center the importance of self-optimization and strict regimens- often in response to mental health decline: clean girl, that girl, etc.
These trends often condense “girlhood” down to commercialized white aesthetics- thereby advertently upholding the racist notion that Black girls and women are simply too Black to be girls and women- our pain rendered inconsequential.
White feminists often characterize the pressure to maintain composure at the detriment of one’s mental health as a problem solely upheld by misogyny. But, it is just as much a racist and anti-Black issue.
A reason these niche girlhood archetypes ring hollow is because it attempts to paint unbridled instability as liberatory for women, with absolutely no mention of the importance of seeking support and community care- but instead simply relishing in despair. Bioessentialism often trails these aesthetics- which is harmful to queer, disabled, and racialized people- as it’s often analyzed that emotions like anger and sadness are innately different when experienced by women (although I’m aware that due to social conditioning women may express their emotions differently). And if a trend that portrays woman/girlhood as white, thin, non-disabled, and uniquely “female,” then anyone outside these confines is rendered non-woman. This distorted depiction of women’s liberation also never accounts for the safety risk of Black women, if they were to partake in this trend. White women have the privilege to brand their self proclaimed “rot” and “unhingedness” as empowerment, because as previously quoted, “... A white person’s decay will forever be masked with the scent of afforded grace that they will get better, that this is not their inherent state of being, and that even if it takes them a while, at least they can be branded as sexy in the meantime.” A Black woman's suffering mental state is not seen as empowering because it's labeled “threatening” and this racist branding is how many of my sisters lose their lives.
Mainstream depictions of mental health in women have always been segregated and racialized.
In the article, A Rare Case: Black Women and Hysteria, Scarlett Croft states, “Crucially, when psychiatrists diagnosed Black patients with hysteria, they almost always framed their diagnoses in comparative terms and described them as more violent, religious, ritualistic, and less feminine…Frailty and femininity associated with White women’s symptoms of hysteria, were replaced with physical strength akin to masculinity, and religious perversion. Even when ‘inside’ the category of hysteria, Black women were outside the category of femininity and civilization.”
Sidebar: I also find it exemplary that social critique about commodifying and idealizing mental illness and girlhood has sparked its own meta analysis- now deemed “over” and rudimentary to discuss. Many stating everything that had to be said has been. Most viral essays or articles that have been praised en masse about this phenomenon have been made by white women, who I rarely see bring up the intrinsic racism of this trend. I think it’s ironic that even discussions about the societal perceptions of girlhood are ruled null and void once enough white women have filed copyright claims on the matter. It’s an almost tragicomic example of, again, establishing white-washed generalized truths- similar to the trend itself.
Despite my contention with aestheticizing mental illness, I do, as stated previously, truly understand the appeal to partake.
These trends in their most idealistic form claim to provide safe spaces for women to express the full depths of their unfiltered emotions, usually scorned by patriarchal social norms, with no apology. Being unapologetic, getting angry, publicly crying, etc., I can see why many women find, or want to find, catharsis in these trends. Especially Black women, who are pelted with stereotypes about “inherent” unwellness and are demonized when exhibiting symptoms of either mental illness or just general emotion.
But, should we be calling for representation within the glorified suffering girlhood phenomenon- or perhaps find better, newer, and healthier alternatives to openly express our emotions and neurosis.
I saw this tweet a couple days ago and it made me stop in my tracks.
These trends of romanticizing illness, and subsequently the trend of wanting diversity in order to see yourself placed within harmful subcultures/communities is one that needs abolishing.
I don’t think all trends relating to woman/girlhood are inherently bad and I see it being used to make relatable and culturally aware commentary about societal and political positioning. That’s where we should shift our attention.
And I’ll willfully participate in trends that showcase how dynamic, unique, and culturally different women are- the trends that do not box us into how we look with smeared makeup and puffy eyes or tell us we should never aspire to get well because it’s “freeing” to be in a perpetual state of agony.
How I’d list the things, not relating to mental health, that make me reminisce about “girlhood” (childhood), which although not universal, may resonate with some people who were raised as girls, specifically Black girls, was Olive Oil Mousse icing my scalp after a braiding session. The Black women who I watched in awe as they utilized the back of their hands as paint palettes for copious amounts of gel, that oddly never fell off. The older Black teens who would lovingly, and sometimes not so lovingly, refer to me as a “jit” (my fellow Floridians already know). Singing and repeating, “a let it rain, now clear it out” with the Black girls in my neighborhood after of course having my chicken noodle soup wit a soda on the side. Chanting, “Shabooya ROLL CALL,” with the same girls in my neighborhood. Hopscotch and the satisfying chorus of my barrettes and butterfly clips (I…was never good at Double Dutch). The smell of mayi moulen ak zaboka or banann fri. Older Haitians calling me mademoiselle and cheri. And many many many other things.
Girlhood is not monolithic and it’s a shame it’s treated as such and viewed only, at times, as “pain built in.” Aspects of “girlhood” may not even be gendered experiences. I think it’s fine and even beautiful to reminisce and revere adolescence- I just wish the adolescence of many women and girls of color wasn’t sanitized with broad strokes of White paint.
this made me follow your writing. so well done, thank you