Is this what life is?
Waiting constantly for the next thing?
Maybe it’s human nature that we’re never satisfied.
Maybe it’s capitalism that is rotting our brains.
But why is it so hard to find fulfillment in the now?
I’m constantly waiting for someone to wake me up, end my simulation, and tell me there’s more.
Maybe I’m looking for the land of milk and honey that I know I’ll never see.
And every day I wonder, is this what life is?
Work, sleep, eat, shit, repeat, have a few kids maybe?
I’m constantly wondering what’s the point of living if it seems like everyone around me is okay in their simulation.
Admittedly, I know there’s others who are internally on fire, internally screaming for someone to notice that this shouldn’t be how life is, but it is.
So, we order our morning coffee with a smile that sews our lips shut.
And we live through escapism media and wonder who our Katniss Everdeen will be.
Maybe it’s the government that forces us to be this way.
But I’m constantly just waiting…waiting for someone… something to happen.
Maybe that’s why I still hold some faith in my religion.
Or maybe it’s because I know once I’m unplugged, the world will finally go silent, and I’ll be at rest and Darkness will be my new escapism. Nothingness.
But Nothingness is also frightening.
But is this just me again wanting more, expecting more, the more, I know I presumably will not see.
Maybe I’m expecting an uprising, maybe I’m expecting the elite to give a shit. Maybe I’m getting more and more scared as my vibrant hope slowly turns gray.
Is this what the adults meant when they said, “we’ll just grow out of it?”
Is this the phase I’m in?
My realization of the realities of humanity's own selfishness, I think was my final straw. And the nihilistic people I deplore- I find myself becoming?
But I don't want to be this way.
Just, if this is what life is, there are days that I'd rather just take a leap of faith, pray to God to forgive me, just in case, and unplug myself from this life and maybe… hopefully… enter another.
Hey guys, this is a little different than my usual writing, but I do dabble in poetry and spoken word from time to time and wanted to share that here, and hopefully share many other poems. Living is about how I feel on my down days as I, as do many, feel like they’re screaming into an empty void when it comes to tackling issues, such as racism, homophobia, misogyny, climate change, and so much more.
I’m releasing an essay I think goes hand in hand with this in the next couple of days or the beginning of next week, titled The Performance of Living, which will tackle the pressures of validation within groups of people.
I want to again thank you guys so much for supporting and reading my writing. <3
If you would like to get the paid subscription that would help me tremendously- no pressure of course. With that subscription I will release audio versions of my essays, and give music suggestions, hopefully I can also start incorporating interviews, do discussion posts, or even feature some art. <3 <3 <3
It‘s strangely comforting to read this and know that you‘re not alone - I really appreciate how you managed to put this dread into words because I feel the same way, and wish you love and healing for the future of course!! 💛 I‘m totally looking forward to the essay now. From what I‘ve read so far, I‘m genuinely excited for the future of your newsletter, thank you for sharing your writing!! 😭🧡